Maybe it's the solo piano I'm listen to that's getting me all reminiscent and remorseful. I just can't help thinking how sad my life has been. And I'm afraid I'm going to wallow a little.
Since I can remember I've always been unhappy. I was sick a lot when I was growing up. I always remember yearning to fit in with my peers. That never happened for some reason. I even remember wanting to hang out with Danny. And nice as he tried to be, he couldn't help going with the flow. I almost think it had to do with my being encouraged to be content with being a loner. Mom and Dad were just like that. They don't have any friends at all, not people that they see eye to eye with. Not people that they can sharpen themselves with. But then perhaps it's all an idea, a euphoric glance at someone else's life. Maybe it's just not real.
So let's give it a shot at being ok with who I am. Who I've been for 30 years. This girl that was good at sports, academics and music as long as she was cheered on�(by a very significant individual). I see a trend at work, and at home now. Ideally I would want to be unshakably content. It's understandable to have some insecurities. Or maybe I just need to Boo Hoo and Poor Me for a little while each time it happened. And then move on. But that would only be appropriate in the confines of the nest. The place I called home. At this time, that's Ryan's appartment.
Where are all these thoughts coming from? I think they've been underlying for a while. But tonight's events definitely triggered a bit of a personal emotional outburst.
Just like Allison, many others have questions about where I'm from, and why I don't have a stereo-typical Indian accent. I really think I need to prepare myself before some rendezvous. I am who I am. I look the way I look. I speak the way I do. There is nothing that can change that. I can't take a class to change that. I don't hang out with many Indian girls or guys. So that's that. And why would I change to accomodate someone else's unanswered questions. I will educate them about my upbringing, and leave it at that. That's the only thing to do. Then they can decide if they want to be friends or not.
As for Ryan. His part in this is apparent for the moment. Time will tell if he's into me for the long run. Or not. I can only hope. Because I am falling for him. It's not like I don't guard my heart a whole lot. I let people in to sensitive places all the time. And it hurts sometimes. Especially since I'm only just now (at 30) learning to be comfortable in my own skin.
Personal Goals: I must say it does help to not procrastinate. At the same time striking a balance of not overcrowding my to-do list.
Oh yeah. Focus on others as people, not as critics or judges. They have what you need. And you have what they need. That's how it works with people. People need people. It's just 6 Billion of us on the planet. No other species that has equal relatability. There are finer details. It's not as general as it sounds. But that is the bottom line.
today was gay
Ik vroeg na het avondeten (die nu ergens een reisje door de riool maakt) aan ma of ik naar een internaat mag volgend schooljaar. Hetzelfde waar Lot naartoe zal gaan. Het is een internaat waar er psychiaters nzo voor je klaar staan en van die dingen en ma zei verrassend snel dat het mocht. Ze vroeg wel of ik niet het 'thuis zijn' ontvluchtte en ik heb gezegd dat het gewoon veel beter zou zijn. Voor mijn huisgenoten en voor mezelf. En ik zei erbij dat het ook was omdat ik de sfeer in huis niet meer kan verdragen. Alleen een beetje subtieler. Ze vraagt zo'n dingen de laatste week constant. Hoe ik me voel en wat er mis is enzo. Vorige week zondag flipte ik echt helemaal en ze is echt ongerust. Ik sloeg een raam in, viel John aan en maakte een deur kapot. Ma moest me opsluiten zodat ik niemand pijn meer kon doen. Het is een beetje wazig nu. De laatste tijd lijkt alles vrij wazig. Ik weet niet hoe ik aan maaltijden zou kunnen ontsnappen in het internaat. Ik kan zeggen dat ik 's morgens nooit eet (dat doen zo veel mensen) en in de middag "eet"�ik op school. Hopelijk zijn het daar boterhammen als avondmaal, die kan ik makkelijk wegsteken of er heel weinig van eten. Ik zie wel.
Gisteren kocht ik nog 'Digital versatile doom', de live dvd en cd van HIM. Het is echt fantastisch. Het interview met Ville deed me heel diep nadenken over dingen. Het hield mijn hersenen tot diep in de nacht bezig. Maar ik moet me op de examens concentreren. Niet dat het echt lukt. Hopelijk buis ik niet.
Doei x
���� Well for starters, I have been gifted with a brain that works.� Some people are just born without common sense....I sometimes wonder how some people can be so stupid.��Another advantage I have been given is that I was born in the US instead of some third-world country.���Random thought:� Why do they call them third world countries when earth and ALL of its countries are in the 3rd world from the sun?...weird.� Anyways, I am lucky to have 2 parents that love me and help support me when times are tough..and trust me there have been some tough times.�� I wasn't born with any defects or diseases, so I guess I'm lucky in that regard....� thats all the thoughts I have on that at the moment.�
Til next time............
Sunday 12:55 PM
Quote:
"...Fs--family, friends, and familiarity..."
"...the closeness of family and the love of home have served as an anchor, keeping them in safe harbor their whole lives..."
by
Michael Martino
Long Island Press
So it's another Saturday in sunny Wales and I've been very lazy today, was meant to doing some housework and found myself selecting my dream team for the start of�Euro 2008 most of the morning. I did manage to make cheese on toast a la Emma after rolling a few cheeky ones to wet my appetite�.�
�I have now selected my team and as we speak am watching the first match, Switzerland v the Czech Republic as I have players from both team in my superb dream team called Em's Boys! Not even sure why I'm writing a journal or why anyone wants to read what im upto today but there's not alot of action on the football and added to my new fabulous igoogle home page and thought id give it a go! Who knows if I use this to vent some of life's frustrations now and again, might reduce the amount of rolling i need to do!!!
Me
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csauls3378 47, Male, Tennessee, USA - 25 entries
